Madeira, Garden of the Atlantic: this is an island of incredible natural beauty. Everywhere you go roads and paths are lined with plants: bird of paradise, agapanthus, orchid, and hyacinths. The mountainous interior rises steeply from the coast, broken up by ravines and gorges with the sides covered in trees or terraces for agriculture.

There is a reason for this epithet, this verdancy; parts of the island get up to 2m of rain a year. So now you know the downside. For those scared of dissolving, the south side is drier especially through the summer months. However, what an island! I am no longer allowed to say awesome! So the scenery is amazing, the plants are amazing and the levadas (water channels) are truly amazing – human achievement at its best. Who needs to land on the moon? Some of the levadas cling to cliff faces, pass through tunnels (don’t forget torches), some twine through eucalyptus or tree heather or the Madeiran laurel forest, most have a fascination of ferns and mosses and agapanthus along the walls, sides and edges.

Our main reason for visiting Madeira was walking generally, but more specifically, walking the levadas. A system of watercourses channelling water for hydroelectricity and for agriculture, not an idea original to Madeira, but it is the accessibility of these levadas makes for some Awesome walking. Through some of the most amazing scenery while often in the shade and with the coolness of water flowing alongside. And they are flat(ish) but not for those who have a problem with heights or even a slight issue with heights. At some points paths may only be a foot to 18” wide and barriers, when present, are a single strand of flimsy fence wire. The other side of the path can be a drop of several hundred feet; this can be especially interesting when the path is rough and patchy or worn. However some levadas had a wide track adjacent, enabling two or more to walk abreast. The real disadvantage is that most of the levadas go somewhere, this means that without planning the walks can be “there and back” rather than circular, and those walks which are circular often involve a steep scramble up or down to levadas on different levels.

As a change from levadas walking, the interior of the island can be roughly divided into two sections, to the west is the Paul da Serra, the flattest section of the island at 1400m! This upland plain is reminiscent of Scotland and gives a wonderful sense of solitude and space. Eastwards are the jagged peaks of Pico Ruivo (the highest mountain on the island). The café at Pico do Arieiro (1800m and a good starting place for walking Pico Ruivo) served the best cup of tea of the holiday.

Although there are no beaches on the island, there are some rather fine lidos. Those at Porto Moniz at the north west of the island utilise some of the natural rock formations and are especially fine.

Other tourist attractions include the famed toboggan ride from Monte down to Funchal, the capital. There are also the botanical gardens in Funchal and the cable car ride from Monte to Funchal is recommended. Camacha village is famous for it willow work. Other souvenirs include the famous Madeira cake (nothing like the British sort!), Madeira wine, textiles and ceramics. The embroidery work is fantastic, but also available are woollens and throws. It is also possible to buy flowers (including the bird of paradise) to ship home in hand luggage.

We did a fly drive with Style holidays, with 3 pre-booked hotels (the Eira do Serrado in Nuns valley was wonderful, a hotel with vertigo!). Driving on the wrong side of the road was interesting enough without the hairpins and drops to the side. (It isn’t just the levadas, which cling to the side of hills!). We visited in December (the quiet season) and had one gorgeous day; one awful day and the rest were merely overcast with showers or sunny spells.

We used the Sunflower Landscapes book as a guide (www.sunflowerbooks.co.uk) and found it excellent (they also suggest driving tours). The “Danger of Vertigo” points were spot on. The directions, timings and parking were also good. We did walks 23 (totally awesome, but I did discover a fear of heights), one of the alternatives on walk 25, 29, 37 (brilliant and interesting), 36, and 39. Although these were mainly levada walks, all the levadas were different and provided a wonderful variety of scenery. We did meet a couple that said walk 12 should be dropped.

It was a great holiday and the final recommendation; Yes! I would definitely go back.

What have you seen on your travels? Drop a line to the Beetle! Beetle@globetrotters.co.uk

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Venice inspires devotion and madness. I should know: I went there for a last-minute holiday four years ago and have ended up buying two properties. What is it about this city? I think there are three faces to Venice, and you can’t always be sure which one you’re seeing.

We all know the first face of Venice, the tourist Venice. The images of the Grand Canal, the gondoliers, the Carnival, are clichés that stare at you from paintings and photographs in a million locations. Not just in travel articles and television shows: a restaurant, an art gallery, an engraving on a pub wall – there the Grand Canal, here the Rialto Bridge. Of course I took these image in my head when I first went to Venice. I was not disappointed; they’re not a confection, but real, gloriously, deliriously beautiful views that crowd the city. Add to them the countless art galleries that depend on the visits of tourists and academics, and you have the tourist paradise, a Disneyland digest of European art history – which, as everyone tells you, is a ghost town and an echo of its former glory.

Except that they’re wrong. Yes, the permanent population of Venice may have declined to just a few tens of thousands. But it’s no ghost town: you cannot fail to notice the vibrant daily life of Venetians as they go about their daily business in the city. This is the face of the real, everyday Venice. Venetians haul heavy kegs of beer over bridges. They walk their dogs along the hard pavements of the fondamenta. They chug along canals carrying loads of bricks, mortar, cement, furniture and flowers. And above all they chatter to each other, on the bridges. In this city without cars, there is every chance of bumping into someone you know when you cross a bridge. So why not stay for a chat? In this second Venice, there is a far more obvious sense of community than in any other world city I have known. And being an island, Venice seems to breed a sense of huddle and bemused detachment, among its true-born inhabitants, as they contemplate the follies of the rest of the world. Their geography and way of life is unique. What is the rest of the world up to?

Against the real, everyday Venice I would suggest there is also a third Venice. I can call it the unreal city. It is the historical echo of the kegs of beer, barges, flood plates and all the outward signs of Venice’s contemporary uniqueness. You could call it tradition, but that suggests something dead. There is nothing dead about the cafes and bars where Venice’s peculiar seafood snacks are the everyday accompaniment to an “ombra”, the tradition of an evening glass of wine that goes back hundreds of years. Or the Burano regatta, where a tiny island with a population of just hundreds manages to put forward tens of people willing to practise for months to take place in a traditional rowing race. My favourite is the fish market: hardly known by tourists, this extraordinary riot, slippery mountains of silver and squid, takes place in the heart of the city, just as it has done for hundreds of years, and the housewives flock to it like the seagulls. Unlike many other cities, Venice has ways of life that are not traditions on life support, but which reach back and show the influences of hundreds of years of history in a unique, watery environment.

And then there are the buildings, which hover between the three Venices. The first time I went to the city, I assumed that if you were to pan the camera just a few degrees to the left from the tourist cliché shot, you’d find the necklace of ugly concrete that has blighted every other beautiful city from Cambridge to Bruges. Not so. Venice is composed of almost nothing but tall, elegant palazzos, strange seaside workmen’s cottages, and nineteenth-century apartment blocks. I have joked that the tourist books should create a walking tour that takes you round the five or six ugly buildings in the city, since they are its special rarity, much more remarkable than any palazzo.

These buildings clearly do much to present the tourist face of Venice. They house the art, they form the backdrop, and many of them are hotels. They are also the everyday real Venice, as the Venetians live in them, busily hammering away, painting, improving … and propping the more rickety ones up. And, especially at night, as their solitary shining lights are reflected in the misty or moonlit canals, the tall, narrow renaissance buildings are definitely the soul of this unreal city, whose past lives cheek by jowl with the present.

If you’re going to Venice, here are my recommendations for places to see the three faces of the city:

Tourist Venice: shy clear of St Mark’s (except on a summer’s evening, when the string quartets are playing), and instead of climbing its Campanile, climb that of San Giorgio Maggiore, looking out across the most famous view in the world from the opposite side of the St Marks basin. If you think a gondola ride sounds a bit too tacky and costly, take a traghetto, working gondolas that take you across the Grand Canal at points distant from bridges, all for the princely sum of 40 cents.

Real, everyday Venice: if you really want to see the nitty-gritty of how everything moves around the city, stand on the Guglie bridge between 08.30 and 09.30 on any weekday morning. You’ll see the commuters striding in, the huddled groups gossiping on the fondamenta di Cannaregio, and the barges will chug busily beneath you carrying everything the city needs to eat, drink and be merry.

For the unreal Venice, with history poking through the veil: the fish market runs from Tuesday to Saturday mornings at the Rialto, just inside San Polo. It’s likely to be winding down at 12 noon, at its peak between 9 and 10.30. Take an ombra (glass of wine) at the Cantine del Vino Shiavi at 992 Fondamenta Priuli, Dorsoduro, where the glorious, slow-moving days of la Serenissima (the Most Serene City) are still visible in this atmospheric cavern of fine wines and wonderful appetizers. The Burano regatta takes place on the third Sunday of every September and is a much more low-key affair than the Regatta Storica of the main city. Watch the young Buranese teenagers fooling around in their motorboats to impress the girls … For moonlit walks, try the calmness of Fondamenta della Sensa in Cannaregio, as you make your way to the lesser-known church of Madonna dell’Orto.

Jonathan’s two homes in Venice are available for holiday rental: see www.visitvenice.co.uk

NM-ftv invites applications from interested individuals or professionals with experience of creative writing, multimedia, film making, direction, sound, camera, set design, story telling journalism, anthropology or any other art form who are interested in living and working in Pakistan for a short period: from 2 weeks to six months.

We invite any filmmaker, multimedia designer/artist, script writer, anthropologist, musician, poet, cameraman, sound expert etc to travel to Pakistan with a specific idea in his/her mind to produce a film /multimedia project on culture, environment and social development. NM-ftv will provide the basic facility of living, and equipment for filming (pre-production and post-production) and machines for multimedia productions.

In return NM-ftv will expect from the guest professional or participant to contribute the same amount of time to NM-ftv students that he spent on filming or other creative project. NM-ftv will also be the partner in that proposed project.

This is a good opportunity to experience a different culture and to explore the mystery land of Pakistan where we have variety of weathers, large deserts to highest peaks of the world like K-2. (Pakistan has 42 highest peaks of the world out of 50 in Himalaya and Karakoram mountain ranges.)

Please see www.nmftv.edu.pk for the film school details. NM-ftv is the first film school based at Lahore-Pakistan and it is a project of Gandhara Foundation Pakistan (a non-governmental organisation, visit www.gandhara.org)

Submitted by Frank from the US.

Actual comments from US travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so their hair wouldn't get messed up from being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. “Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa.” Her response?… click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” He said, “But they look so close on the map.”

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!